


Insomniac

by wordslinger



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-04
Updated: 2012-08-04
Packaged: 2017-11-11 11:03:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/477853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordslinger/pseuds/wordslinger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marie is up late waiting for an email when... well it's dirty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insomniac

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, Green Day, Gmail, Quantum Leap, Twilight Zone, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Bounty, Brawny, HBO or Taylor Lautner.

Marie stared at her computer screen blankly. She was waiting. Her friend, Jess, had promised her a detailed breakdown of Eclipse, and the minutes seemed to be dragging by. She watched with feigned interest at the Green Day music videos flickering one after another. The list seemed endless, but was only really forty songs long.

How come I've never heard this one? It's the fucking album art! she thought, as she watched 21 Guns. Marie sighed and turned away from the screen. The video was dramatic and she wasn't in a dramatic mood. Her chair spun around on its axis and suddenly she was facing a rather odd sight in her dining room.

A man. Barefoot and naked from the waist up. Her eyebrows shot up and her breath caught in her throat. His brown skin was flawless and his face was, well, beautiful. He raised his hands in the air, as if to show he was unarmed. Marie snorted. The muscles of his biceps could certainly be classified as guns. 

“I need help,” he stated.

Marie sat motionless in her desk chair. She squeezed her eyes shut, as if to check herself. When she opened them again, he was still there, looking at her oddly. Her thoughts drifted to the bag of weed in her desk. What the hell was in that joint I just smoked?

“I know who you are. What I don't know is how you managed to get out of the book and into my dining room. Am I imaging this? Dreaming? Oh my god! Did I pass out on my keyboard waiting for Jess's review of Eclipse? Shit. I hit my head, didn't I? Am I bleeding? My keyboard will stop working if it gets too wet. Blood's very corrosive you know. Or, at least, it could be.” Marie realized she was babbling and stopped speaking.

“What the fuck is going on? Where am I?” the tall man Marie knew to be Jacob Black said to her.

“This is Texas. You know, in reality? You don't belong here. Did you get stuck in a Quantum Leap episode? That would suck. Hey, do you have one of those remotes that lets you talk to Al?”

Jacob looked at her with confusion etched onto his face. “What? Look, can you help me out or not? I have no fucking clue what's going on here. Texas? Shit. Wait. What book are you talking about?”

“Seriously? You don't know? Tell me what's going on in your life right now. Maybe I can help you out a little.” Marie was sitting straight in her chair now. If she was dreaming, well, things could only get better from here. She was certain there was a coil of rope in the laundry room cupboard. I wonder if he's still strong?

“Uh, okay. This is weird. I think I should go. Is that the front door? I'll just see myself out. Yeah? Great.” He stepped towards the door, but Marie lurched to block his way.

“Come on! This has to be as weird for you as it is for me. Give me just a few minutes? What have you got to lose? Where are you going to go anyway? You can't phase here. It's a city, dumbass. Sit down.”

Jacob sat in the desk chair while Marie paced.

“Okay, so tell me. Where are you?”

“You said this was Texas.”

“Um, no. I meant in the time line. Like, what's going on? With you, I mean.”

“This is so fucking weird, but okay. Uh, this girl I know is mad at me because I can't exactly see her right now... hold on. How do you know about phasing? You said I couldn't do it here. How did you know that?”

“Silly, wolf. I told you. I've read all the books! Too many times. Anyway, so you're still stuck in New Moon, huh? Bummer. It doesn't get any better.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Marie sighed and bent down so she was face to face with Jacob. “How would you feel about imprinting on a vampire that's half human?”

“What?” His expression was one of complete disbelief.

“Yep. It happens. Believe me, plenty of people were shocked about it. Did you know I have a hoodie with your name on it? I bought it after I saw New Moon. By the way, you look nothing like Taylor Lautner.”

“Who? Never mind, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure one of us here is either crazy or in a coma or something. Whatever sort of Twilight Zone thing-” Jacob was cut off by Marie's giggles. “What now?” he asked, exasperated. 

“You said Twilight,” she managed in between fits of laughter.

“Do I want to know why that's funny?”

“Probably not. So which one of us crazy and in a coma?”

“I said crazy or in a coma. Can you at least try and be serious?”

Marie laughed again, and shook her head. “No, I honestly don't think I can. You're a fictional werewolf guy that's suddenly in my house. How's that serious? It's Twilight, not Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I'm pretty sure there's not some big bad lurking in the shadows or an apocalypse on the horizon.”

“You are so weird. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're the crazy one. Forget the coma. This must be your delusion.”

“Delusion? Wow. Lucky me. Do you think I really hit my head? Holy shit! Do you think I'm starring in my very own outtake of Becoming Bella Swan?” Marie glanced into her kitchen. “Nope, that can't be it. Those are Brawny paper towels. BellaFlan would make sure they were Bounty.”

Jacob shook his head as he watched her ramble on. “Is there a point to all of this? Because I don't have any idea what you're talking about.”

“If this is my delusion, then it's not real, right? So I guess it doesn't really matter what we do here.” She eyed Jacob in a way that made him shift uncomfortably in the desk chair.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You know, Jacob, a lot of women out there believe that you're prefect. Flawed, perhaps, a little. But as far as fictional men go, you're practically perfect.”

“Perfect, huh?”

“Yep. What do you know about sex, Jacob? You're not a fumbling idiot are you? It would really ruin my delusion if you were.”

“Well, I'm a perfect fictional man, right?” Marie nodded her assent. “Then I think it's safe to assume I'm pretty good in the sack.” He leaned back in the chair and smiled broadly at her.

“Care to test your skill set?”

“I wouldn't mind.” His eyes lingered on her large breasts straining the cloth of her worn t-shirt. “You said Bella's never coming around right?”

Marie shook her head.

“And that I'm going to imprint on some weird half-breed... thing?

She raised her eyebrows and confirmed, “Sad but true. There are some other details about her that you should know, but if we're about to fuck then it can wait. I don't want to make you gag. It might kill the mood.”

“Right. That's okay, I don't need to know anyway. This is your delusion. I'm probably not even really here. When in Rome, do like the fucking Romans did.”

“True. I like how you're so cool about this. I'm glad you're not having all kinds of irritating angst about preserving your virtue. It was a pretty annoying literary device in the books to avoid sexual activity before marriage. Maybe believable to the throngs of tweens reading, but for us big girls, well, it was nothing but a twat-tease.”

“Are you going to talk all night, or are we going to do this?”

“Good point.” Marie didn't have time to blink before he was on her, pushing her back against the wall. His hand fisted around a wad of her shirt, and he ripped it off her body.

“Wow,” she gasped “So you really can do that!”

“You said there wasn't any sex in the books,” he grunted before attacking her neck with his mouth. Soft at first, but with increasing intensity he drew formless swirls and loops on her skin. Without warning he switched to more aggressive biting and sucking.

“Unf... Yeah, in the- fuck!- books, there's no... no... none of this.” Marie's eyes rolled into the back of her head, and she didn't even notice the pain when her skull thudded against the wall.

“You hit your head,” Jacob breathed.

“Who cares? I'm already delusional.” Her voice squeaked out a few octaves too high when his feverish hands covered her bare breasts. The rough skin of his palms grazed her nipples, causing them to harden. Marie moaned loudly when his hot, wet mouth closed over one hard bud. It took her a second to realize he'd released her and was speaking.

“Do you want me to rip your pants off too? You really seemed to enjoy-”

“Why are you even asking?”

“I've never been someone's delusion before: give me a break.” In less than four seconds, the pajama pants were shredded on the floor. “No panties?”

“Eh, it's laundry day.” She shrugged before grabbing the waistband of his cut-off shorts and pushing them down his hips. Marie groaned at the site of his naked body.

“Do I look how you expected?”

“I didn't expect anything. I don't picture a dick when I fantasize. It's weird. My brain operates like HBO: there's always a vase in the way or something.”

Jacob stopped moving and stared at her. “What's wrong with you?”

“Delusional, remember? Does it matter?”

“Not really. Apparently I'll be fucking a half-vamp soon. I'd say that's more fucked up than your internal HBO porn.” His hands scorched her skin as they lifted her body and hooked her legs around his waist.

Marie didn't have time to gasp before she felt the tip of Jacob's cock at her slit. Just as he thrust inside, she bit her lip. Hard. The blood tasted good. He set a hard, fast pace, licking and sucking the blood off her lips.

His cock felt better than the bite though, it was almost unbelievable. Marie felt more aroused than ever before, and she was positive this was the best sex she had ever, or would ever have in her life. Bella Swan was one dumb bitch.

Jacob grunted and dug his fingers into the soft flesh of Marie's ass. Despite it's superiority, this would be a quick fuck. She was panting and meeting each of his thrusts. He released his grip on her cheeks and grabbed handfuls of her hair, forcing her to meet his eyes.

“Is this what you wanted?”

“Christ, you have no idea! I had no clue being delusional was so satisfying.”

He forced her head to the side as he latched on to the reddened skin of her neck once more. Jacob erratically pounded into her a few more times before he felt her pussy clenching. With a loud growl he pushed into her one last time, leaving a Marie-shaped dent in the drywall.

“Just so you know, this never happens in real life. Most women don't get off without direct clitoral stimulation. You being the prefect fictional man and all helps. That, and the thing about this not being real.” Marie's voice was raspy. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the wall again. She felt the dull throbbing of a headache.

“Fuck, my head hurts!”

“I told you that you hit your head,” Jacob panted.

“What?” Marie's eyes snapped open. The familiar ear rape of Brain Stew was playing, and she stood up abruptly. “What the fuck?”

She was alone... and clothed. She turned back to her computer screen and closed out the YouTube tab. Her Gmail Inbox indicated one new message. Subject line: Eclipse!

“It's about damn time,” Marie muttered before clicking on the email.

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by my bitches BellaFlan and jkane180. Everything in this fic really happened. Except the Jacob part.


End file.
